Oh, um... hey!
Yes, I'm alive and welcome to coffee chat.

Apologies for a rather impromptu blog break that seemed to occur this past week.   The final week of school just grabbed me by the toes, kicked me in the ass and spat me back out on the first Monday of summer vacation.

So rude.

Well, this is the last Chat post for the summer, and I cannot even promise that my time here --- or at my favourite blogs - will be any more regular than it has been the past two weeks.    Life seems to keep wanting me to be spontaneous; despite my repeated requests for it to play a game of F-Off - and it should go first.

Yes, absolutely a harsh response - I KNOW this.
My selfish will and Life are battling at the moment and as to who will be the victor is anyone's guess.

As life with 3 children gets increasingly busy, I find myself needing and craving alone time even more.   Reset.  Recharge.  RIGHT NOW!!!
Because the next thing is gonna hit you square on in about 3 minutes.   Or however long it takes a 6 year old to finish her yogurt snack before the next request is demanded.   The chime of an incoming text.  Or four at once.    All the while a constant buzzing in my brain of "Will I ever be alone with my own thoughts again?!!!"

This is where you extroverts are shaking your heads confused.   It's okay.
It's all okay.  You. Me.  The buzzing.   It will be okay.
This I do know.

But journeys are important far beyond the lovely scenery that blurs by; and Life seems to want to take me on one that's outside my comfort zone right now.   There may be kicking and screaming involved, but I'm gonna walk it all the same.

Because even though the impromptu early morning calls for play dates, and sudden drop bys, and the change of plans on the fly, are all having me delicately balanced on the edge of "I'm Fine" while I internally quake:  I know there's a lesson in here somewhere.

I just gotta walk the steps to find it.

Time out for Mom

Tuesday, June,  28th, 2016

What journey do you most want to take?   
It can be a geographical place, an emotional or spiritual quest, or even a creative pursuit. 

I have been blessed with some great people in my life.
Friends and family.

I am cursed that they all seem to be early risers.
I know this because some of them text me for play dates as early as 7:30 am.
Because they are up and their kid(s) are up and they have had their coffee and probably even done their work out and shut your stupid organized face if your laundry is on the line.

I've been hitting the snooze button probably for half an hour.
So technically: I AM up.
But my coffee cup rather looks like this:

So the answer at 7:30 am will always be "no."
On a good day, you might get an "I don't know."   By 9 ish.
And I am not being mean or trying to blow you off or act like a dumbass inconsiderate friend:  I honestly just am not ready for the day yet!!! 

There was a time, when babies demanded attention at dawn, and I was up early to see to those important needs.  A full day had by 10:30 am and everyone needing a nap.  Not sure how I got through those times - there must be something internal that clicks in when you become a mommy.

Now, I am totally okay with some of us being morning birds and the rest of us being night owls; life is full of variety!!   Yeah beautiful!!
What I am not okay with is you morning birds trying to change my night owl tendencies to suit your early morning need to have your day planned by 8 am.
I don't work that way.   Never have - not likely to start now.

So no, I cannot just wake up and do my workout at 6 am so that we can be at the beach by 9 am and spend the entire day there.
I will literally kill myself, because at best my balance and coordination wakes up about 45 minutes AFTER my first cup of coffee.
Safety first people!!

Know this:  I AM absolutely jealous of you.   I WISH I could be up and see the sunrise every day and have a few moments to myself before the kids wake up; and greet the day in a quiet manner.  But every single time I have tried that, a child has awoken and well.... there went the quiet.
It just doesn't work for me.   Can you just accept and allow me that?

But you know when it is really, really quiet??
Around Midnight.

Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defenses
Slowly, gently night unfurls it's splendor
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Turn your thoughts away from cold unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night

Yeah that's me.  A Phantom.
Sitting in the dark while the majority of the world dreams; letting the music in me spill onto pages.

This is when my muse comes to me, calls to me... demands I sing.

Just so you know, many of you are also my Muses.   Reading your blogs is incredibly satisfying and inspiring to me.  I NEED you in my life.  Your words.  Your Art.   You're all apart of me.... included in this Portrait of Becoming An Artist.   And I am thrilled to have so many of you along on this journey.

My early risers who only stick to Facebook don't get that.
So here we are... existing in the shadows somewhat, as if our Blog Love were forbidden in the polite discourse of Day.

But I can't quit you.  And I won't.
I have given up trying to explain This Thing to the people in my life.  So I wait for them to all succumb to the Deep Sleep; while I in contrast Awaken.

It's what it is. 

So that's the Journey I am taking.
This fine line of the Who I am while at centre stage with the people in my life with all their Beauty, Blessings, and Demands: and the quiet spirit inside that comes alive when the darkness settles but the light from within begins to glow.

Those above pull me one way trying to make me dance to their tune; but the Muse below sees the notes deep inside, and so pushes me in the way he knows I can fly.

A perfect Life needing both.
And hopefully, when they meet in the middle at some point of perfect balance: the internal screaming will cease, and you will hear me sing.

Have a great summer everyone and hopefully I will see you back here for the chat again in September.