This here is a truth bomb.
Well, my truth anyway; and it's a hard one to admit.

Being In Now.... in just a second please.



Ink Interrupted!

Every time I get a little precious nugget of ink blot, it seems life conspires to throw me a "no, this now" curve ball.
I get so frustrated.  Because my memory isn't what it used to be.   There's just to much data in the bank.

Shit!  I have to deposit a cheque in the bank!
Where was I? 

I've been writing this post for about 2 weeks now.
It's been edited so many times, I am surprised Blogger did not prompt me with "are you sure you want to say this?"

Also, I hate my doorbell.
Are you a fan of the "drop in?"
I gotta admit, I am not a fan of the drop by.

Are you busy?

Yes. Yes, I am always busy.
Literally.  I always have something to do.  
This is me over here... never bored.
   

So yes,  you are actually interrupting.
And for some reason, this is one area in my life that actually gives me a bit of anxiety.

Why?
Because I lie to you.
Because I don't want to offend.   I don't tell you I am busy; I invite you in.
We do the coffee.  The Chat.
It's so lovely.... For awhile.  And then...
......  I start thinking of all the things I am not getting done.
Of that perfectly worded prose, or intelligent sentence, or plot line I am not writing down and which I know in 5.6 seconds will leave my head.
This is your fault now.

Boo!
That was directed at myself.   My stupid ego.
Because, excuse me, are you not the girl that is trying to be in the moment?   The Now?
What's wrong with me that I would choose to write or read, when I could have face to face time with someone important?
And I cannot stress this enough, I Know in My Knower we should always take the time for the people that matter in our life!!

But I was right in the middle....
I see what my problem is: my Now can't turn on a dime.  Yet-ish.
It's a slow cruise around the bend and I need me some warning signs before the turn.

I get this idea of how my day is going to go in my head, and even if I should want to make the effort to just chill with a friend who drops by:

Will shows up and says So As It's Been Thought; So Must It Be Done.

Ugh, it's to stupid.  To be anxious about such a matter.

I am aware enough to know that I need a routine, some kind of structure in my life.   You just can't fly by the seat of your pants when you are a mom to 3 and hon to 1.  And a house to maintain.   And what loosely resembles a social life.  
If I don't actually do some planning, balls drop everywhere.

I apologize for that unfortunate wording.

See, my mind gets scrambled when I am knocked off the course I have begun. 
I don't like this about myself, and I often find myself wishing I could just chill like I did when I was younger. To just say YES - let's do The Thing, and let whatever I was doing be put on hold to seize Life in the moment.

Yes, have the routine that helps family life be organized, but not be a slave too it.
You can always do things later, right?
That's what they tell me.

Okay then THEY -- when?   When does later come?
Because I find things slip away and later is really just a lie I tell myself.   That it's really about letting things go, so that you can choose to be present for whatever new moment is presented.   And sometimes, that little ink blot that was forming inside your head, well.. it turns out it was invisible ink.  It just....disappears.

Ink.Interrupted.

I am such a whiny little bitch in these moments.  It's pure selfishness.  
And how dare I, when I aim to live a more selfless life?  
I find myself constantly asking:  is this a want, or a true Need?
The correct answer is:  yes, it's a need.
There are things I need every day.   I've come to terms with that on this journey, and I cannot bring myself to apologize for them anymore.
The trick is to balance those needs, with All The Other Things.

But here's the great part about this little secret to life:  I know understand so fully, that YOU have this need too.
And you will never, ever owe me an explanation.  I. Get. You. 

I think that is why "writer" is so lonely a place often.
Would anyone understand if I said "you know, I have this great plot idea for my story I am writing, and I know we haven't had the coffee chat for awhile, but I really need to write this down today. Because I am dumb and I will forget it if I don't.  yes, I'm really that stupid.  yes, I am truly sorry."

I can hear the eyeroll. 
Honestly, I am not Stephen King over here.   What even?

I put so many things aside for so many years. The fade was so slow, like aged blue jeans that you slide easily into, ignoring the ripped knees and hanging pockets. They're just so familiar. Easy. You know your ass looks great.

Not sure that was relevant.  Still.. amiright ladies?

I don't want to put things aside anymore.I want to put things in their place.
Words.Images. Cluttered spaces. Cluttered mind.

And maybe I don't even want the comfy jeans; I need to ease and stretch into something new. Take the risk of not always being bent and pulled to anothers' will. And maybe of not even looking good sometimes.

Odd.  I used to think saying "Yes" was a scary thing.
But it's the No I find so much harder to drop.

This is my fear: I will never be able to spill my ink, if Life is constantly interrupting. Worse, that it's a terribly selfish thing to not be able to handle life's interruptions.

Perhaps this is what I really need to say Bye Bye to Dropping By: Fear is a most unworthy companion.




P.S.   There are of course worthy exceptions where you will always be most welcome.  Like if hate, or terror should ever drive you from your home; you are certainly welcome to drop by neighbor.   Any.Time.


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