Let's talk about our fears.

Can we do that?   Do we feel we know one another well enough to just lay bare our deepest insecurities and the things that not only keep us up at night, but leave us twisted in knots in our waking hours when we are supposed to be on our game.

I know - it's a scary thing to share, right?
All right: I'll go first.

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As a Christian, I am supposed to tell you that my greatest fear is Sin.   That I would offend or disobey my God.   Thus, standing before Him on Judgement Day when He says, Didn't I tell you not to have sex before marriage -- and what did you do with that boy?   And then you wore white on your Wedding Day?    Also, you cursed in your last post, not very useful to the glorification of  my name, my child. 

These things should cause great fear... because um...  Fire and Damnation!!!

Except, my version of God doesn't really look like that.   Not exactly.
I mean, yes: I did those things and of course there will be consequences.  And some of what I have done, I am actually sorry for.
Wait, I am sorry for all it... but I cannot bring myself to regret it all either.
Some of my mistakes became my greatest victories; so it's hard to be bitter towards them.

And that makes me afraid that I do in fact have the "rebellious spirit" some Pastor labelled me with, so many years ago when I dared ask questions. 

No, I am far more afraid of standing before My Creator - as He is defined in my Spiritual Journey (I know yours may look different and that's okay), and hearing him say:   what the heck? I gave you this great gift for words, and you sat in silence when I inspired you to share important things?   I gave you the very tool you needed to connect with people on a deep and meaningful way that can transform their lives, because I put that special thing in your heart - a heart for people:  and you didn't use it.  You let others tell you My Gift to you had no value.  You believed them, and did not trust Me.

Opps, I mean.... sorry.  

I gave you great stories.   Stories that have meaning and purpose, because we all have stories to share but many have them locked deep inside.  They don't know how to let them out and they suffer. So they need the story tellers to help them to connect to their truths... to show them that it is okay to feel, to struggle, to be afraid.  You were supposed to shine a light on what they have kept in the dark.  But you didn't share ..... you were supposed to be my wild little ray of light, but you hid your light.  are you ashamed of my gift?

No. oh my God.  I mean... Dear Lord... no!
I am not ashamed.
I think.

Then why were you silent?  Why have you allowed your light to dim? What could be more worthy than my spirit inspiring you?

Um, laundry Lord?
The kids wanted to play CandyLand... again..??

Oh yes, I hate getting that Popsicle and going straight back to the start myself.  Gabriel always manages to get the Lollipop and go straight to the Finish.  I know he cheats - I'm God!!  But what are you going do?  Anyway... and when that was all finished?  What is your next excuse?

Also, shut up... you don't know with any certainty that God doesn't play board games.  ahem.

But I am a mom - you also gifted me with these beautiful children, and a great husband, and this roof over our head.   That all takes time.   Life just gets so busy... you know?  I try.  I really do, but people... you know.   well they think writing is a waste of time.   You know maybe if I could write a bestseller, I could convince them I have a measure of talent.   They could see your great gift in me!

I'm sorry.  I am not interested in your glorification of busy.  Also, at one point did I say I was interested in the making and acquiring of money?  Show me where in my Book Of Words that was stated as my value standard?


*bright lights*

I am in the business of souls my child.  Of gathering the ones I love unto me.  Of fellowship.  With.You.  Money is the single biggest deterrent to those goals.   But I see your heart.   I see that you have only lost your way; but not the Lesson.   Now go, write the things.  

uh, okay.
*sheepish walk through the pearly gates*

Hey, it could happen - you never know.
I never said share your RATIONAL fears.
because that's the thing right?   Our fears are rarely rational.

I used to occupy my mind with typical fears you probably also have:  Will I even know real happiness?  Will I find true love?   Will I be able to love in return?   Will I have that big house with the garden and the fence and the beautiful, quiet and clean children playing in the yard (ha)?

But are those REAL fears?
To me, that was just my noisy brain again.  All kinds of Ego up in the place, shouting to be heard.
Me Me Me - what about me?  What I want!!
When really, I ought to have concerned myself with that Inner Purpose I spoke of earlier.

I wrote this as an introduction to a Guest Post where I shared some poetry recently:

Why do I write?   The simplest response is that it is an enjoyment.   The turning of a phrase, creating a lyrical prose, and the wrangling of words into something that makes sense of the things we cannot see,  quite simply brings me joy.    On a deeper level is satisfies a fundamental need to reveal those things that are often ignored, or dismissed.   It restores that balance within myself, as I struggle with the realities of the world pressing down upon my creative self.   From the moment we enter this world, it pushes and pours all manner of Sense into our beings.    From the normal everyday, to the exceptional beauty all around us.  And then there are the Stories.   The past, the present – what could have been; what should have been: all lying in wait.   When I write, it’s like going down into the great pit of all sense and sensibility, and releasing – sometimes rather like hauling it all up through the mud of life – all that is stored within.   There I find the meaning in the menial and mundane of this daily life.   Far more than merely communicating; my words, my stories are wild little rays of light that pierce the darkness and call forth the light; revealing the beauty all around us.  It’s there:  I just have to notice it.   And then the hard part: Surrender.

Does it make sense to you?
Maybe not, but then it doesn't have to.   If it's not YOUR Inner Purpose.
Remember: I don't owe you an explanation, and you don't owe me your understanding.
See how easy that is?

But, it will make sense to someone.   Somewhere, another will read that and go "yes!! she gets me."
And that one person, makes it worth it.
I gathered you unto me.  We had the fellowship - of sorts.
We walked into that cave together, faced our fears, and let the light shine.

Yes, I think anymore, the very thing you fear: is the very thing you should do.

I've shared poetry in this space.  I've shared some romantic fluff.
First. Steps.

But the layers are peeling back.
The light is flooding in.

And I will never more stand in the dark, ashamed.
Torn between who you want me to be, and who I really am.
Fear will not be my decision maker; I will be laid bare.

Naked and unafraid: this is me.
And yes, it is scary.

And it feels awesome.

I adore this man and his simple wisdom.   Fear is a bluff of the mind.
How brilliant is that.    I found this short clip so very helpful in the journey to own my fears.

Go ahead:  show me your brave in the comments.  :)