From the depths of sleep, my mind still registers the slight dip of weight on the other side of the bed.

"OOOUUUFFF!"

Oy....no mistaking the sudden knee drop to chest which immediately follows.
You'd think I would learn by now.   Having served as their personal trampoline for several years.

"Mommy, Mommy....I want some breakfastes."  

 Ah, Zoo Zoo.   The smallest Who in Whoville.....but also with the boniest knees.
I'd answer her, but with absolutely no air left in my lungs -- that's an impossibility.    
I roll to my side to check the alarm clock....fearing the worst.    Crap.  Crap. CRAP!

9:45 am
On a Sunday Morning.
Immediate Thought:   Church starts at 10 am.   I'm a bad Christian.
Secondary Thought:   How long have the kids been awake?  And me asleep.   I'm a worse mommy.

I jump, okay fine.... roll slowly out of bed feeling each twinge and ache in a back that has been bothering me for weeks.   I can't stand up straight just yet, so I limp to the kitchen like some old crone roused from her warm bed in the chilly dark of night.    Except, I'm not...and it's not.   

I spy milk cups on the floor.   Who got them milk?   Left Brain is at work - the day shift - gone way too early to have made them milk.   When did I make them milk?
And go back to bed??!!!

"Mommy, I woke up at 7:26 am this morning."  
Monkey Boy - how glad mommy is that you she bought you a digital clock for your room.  *eye roll*

2 hours.
They've essentially been on their own in the house for 2 hours.   While I slept.  
I am torn between self-revolt -- and the fear of taking a good look around the house to determine what has survived.
I am the worst parent ever.
And I cannot even make it to church to confess.

Thus Dear Readers, you must be my Sunday confessional substitute.  

I have already mentioned the back pain I am feeling, but I also have pain in my hips and legs that has been keeping me up at night for weeks too.   My mom informed it is called "Restless Leg Syndrome."   I am far too young to be getting mysterious afflictions.   Aren't I?
Well, regardless.....whatever it is, it's most definitely Annoying As H-E-double hockey sticks!
I have not had a good night sleep in months.   Exercising and stretching seem to help, but with all the holidays lately, I have been neglecting my workout schedule.  (another confession.)

Massage would probably help also.   Don't you agree Left Brain?
Fine....I will consider it foreplay as well.  
(apparently I AM easy like Sunday morning. *snort*)

Anyway, to make a long confession short, in desperation to get some sleep last night, I took a nighttime pain reliever that included a sleep aid.
In fact, I took two.   I doubled up for good measure.
Readers, I fear if a 26er of vodka were in the house, I'd probably have guzzled it too.
That's how badly I wanted a good night's rest.

And now, here I am paying the price.  Sitting at my dining table, wild-hair'd and swollen eye'd in my flannel pj's, stuck  with coffee that tastes like road tar and sits like sludge in my upset stomach, with children who are wanting attention.  And I have nothing left to give.  Surprisingly, even with all the self-loathing, guilt and bad coffee whirling inside me......I still just want to crawl back into bed. 

Maybe just a few more hours rest and I will find where my get-up-and-go... went.
I'll wake up a happy mommy.   A good mommy.   A fun mommy.   And maybe even my back, having received some rest, will obey my commands to "smarten up and fly straight!"

I really do need that rest Dear Readers .....and you know why?
Because as I sit here swallowing bad coffee and feeling horrible and lost in sleep fog:   I know tonight, when the aches and pains and swirling thoughts keep me wide-eyed as I lie abed; those little blue pills will call out to me.  I will want to take another one.  Or two.   Because when you're under their special magic, it is a darn good blissful sleep.  You can forget, or lie to yourself about how bad the morning will feel, all for the good feeling now.   
And besides, you can always swill coffee the next morning to pick yourself back up.


And just like that....I understand every single addiction.
Well, sort of.   I mean, it's not like I called Left Brain in desperation with the hopes he'd made a good drug bust today and could bring me home the really, good stuff.  nothing like that.
Or ate spilt Fruit Loops off the floor.
Well, one of those anyway.

Also, feel good pills come in many forms....and there's one for every occasion.
Something to get you down, something to get you back up.
A vicious cycle of euphoria and regret I presume.
 
But not for me.  I am getting off this crazy train right now while I still can.
From now on.....it's just Pez forever folks.



How about you?  Anything you want to get off  your chest?

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our 
sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9





warm wishes sign