Happy Tuesday everyone and welcome to this weeks' Coffee Chat.

You were all "dekey" last week confessing where you would love to be trapped in the Boob Tube.

 You mentioned so many great shows, I almost wonder if TV has become better than the movies, Eh?!

Whoops, sorry there.    Who let the Canuck out?

And I guess that is as good a segue required for today's yarn - er, talk.
Got your double double and Timbits?       
You have no idea what those are - do you?

Well, we all might have a little trouble understanding each other this week, since we are trotting out our favoUrite slang, jive, urban speak, euphemisms and what have you done gone said dialects. 

Have you noticed how slang is changing?   It is more than just coloUrful these days.  I used to pride myself on speaking "real" English, but with all this urban slang and web dialect,  not to mention my country dictates I speak 2 actual languages:  I don't know what I am saying half the time.   And most of what I thought was "cool", is in fact no longer hip, but "sic" instead.   And "awesome" isn't good enough on it's own anymore - it has to be Awesome Sausage (well, duh, bacon is always right), or awesome sauce!

Which just makes me think about applesauce, and how I should eat better and maybe call the doctor to make that appointment:  this is how my mind works people.   I didn't promise it would be pretty; just damn entertaining.

As, you've probably already noticed, my keyboard has a "U".    And no spell check, I won't drop my "u's" just to appease You.
Yes, like any respectable international spy/assassin or terrorist, I carry a Canadian Passport *side eye*

 So, to clarify:
"double, double" - that would be a coffee with 2 cream, 2 sugar and most likely from Tim Hortons, our national coffee and donut chain. 
"Timbits" -  are their little donut holes.   You can have like a gazillion and it's hardly any calories.    It's deception on a collective National level, eh.

Yeah - I've said it - "dude".    For they are somewhat comparable.   "Eh" is a very useful word and perhaps the basis for all effective Canadian communication.    It is pronounced "ey", or just simply "A", and can be used on its own, or in conjunction with other words.

For example:

Eh! - hello
EH!! - hello, from a distance (ever see the prairies?)
Eh? - what did you say?
Eh?? - you're kidding?
Eh???? -  WTF?
you hoser, eh! -  a loser  (or sometimes, a really good friend - or both may apply at once)
take off, eh! -  get out of here...because we are so polite

You may hear us speak about loonies and toonies.   We are not talking about the wacky-kids-club; that's money.   $1 and $2 respectively.    Just don't try to actually buy a 2-4 with some Crappy Canadian Tire money.   You may just find yourself in a kerfuffle.

Whatsa a 2-4 you say? 

It's not a time reference.  Trust.  It's wobbly-pops, or beers.   As in the number in a case.   (But if someone asks you aboot a "Cinquante" -- the correct response is "mais oui!")   And don't be bringing any of that below 6% horse-piss ya hosers.    Oh yes, we will drink you under the table and still have room left for poutine and beaver tails.   At 2 am.     If you are not from here, may I suggest a half-sack to get you started?    Give'er!  Fill your boots!

Interestingly enough, if you hear someone order "a Canadian" in a bar:  that is a beer brand.   You can't actually drink us to get a buzz.   Well, maybe in Halifax....  "long may your big jib draw!"  (and yes, I earned the right to say that. Screech!)

Also of note:  If you hear May 2-4 weekend.   That is not a weekend in May during which we sit around and consume much beer....it's actually.....Oh wait.    never mind.

A warning:   if you should brag to us about holding your own, well then, we're bringing out the twenty-sixer.   Yes, after the beers.   Don't blame us if you yak and wake up in Bumblefuck Nowhere.

Some other handy advice:

If someone asks you for rubbers, they don't mean condoms - that would be brutal error on your part.   I'll give you a hint - it's probably raining outside and you don't want to get your feet wet.

However, if you are feeling "randy" and do ask for a rubber, don't be surprised if you receive either a condom.....or an eraser.   Either way, you're good....go ahead and "rock the canoe."

Wanna "pop" with your burger and fries?  No, we won't hit you.  We nice Canadians, remember. That's a soda: i.e  Coke/Pepsi.

We request a "serviette" (paper), not a napkin (cloth), and we ask for the "bill", not the cheque/check.

If you want something sweet, ask for a chocolate bar - not a candy bar.   And I highly recommend the 3 Musketeers.

Ask where the "washroom" is, not the restroom.  Or, you can really impress us and request:    où est la salle de bain?

We can be pissed-off, piss-drunk, or pissed-up....or perhaps just in a pisser mood.    Perhaps someone gave us a "gotchy-pull?"   

And sorry Brits, if we ask you to a "shag"....it's Not what you're thinking.   We are not that kind of country, eh!   It's a combined stag and doe party.

Oh, and our milk isn't gay.   Not that there is anything wrong with that! "Homo milk" is simply short for "homogenized."

Please don't assume it's a mistake if you see "centre" or "theatre" or "labour" or "defence" (as a noun), since we tend to adopt the British spelling more than the American.   Much can depend on where you are currently standing on Canadian soil:  The Rock,  Hog Town, Bytown, Cowtown, or Gastown.

Well, that aboot covers it for now.   I'm gonna head'r.   Due time for a Tim's run.

 There ya go hosers...Canada:  Eh to Zed.
 That'll learn 'ya.

NEXT WEEK:   I love music.  One of the best things about my free time the other day, was browsing iTunes for new songs.    What song(s) can you not resist singing out loud with when you hear them?   If you were going to audition for American/Canadian Idol, or similar show, what would be your audition song?   Share some music with me -- I still got loads more room on my iPod!

 warm wishes sign