It's been one of those days.  Weeks actually.
Now that I think of it, a slow build that has culminated in this, the most terrible of days.   From where it has come, I don't know.   I am not sure I care.

I am bitter and resentful. Embattled. Impatient and Frustrated.  Staring at that festive symbol and desperately willing the joy to seep into my heart; my soul.

My voice drips with false sweetness; "honey" and "yes sweetie" falling from my lips, though they be pursed tight with restraint.   Harsh words mingle with softer tones; confusing even to me.  Fake endearments twist and fall to the ground with a resounding crash that is mirrored in the haunted look in my child's eyes. Crestfallen she goes silent, and turns from me
Crushed. We two.

C'mon mom - pull it together, it's not too late. the day is still young. 


I try to obey that voice in my head, but the day keeps stretching beyond me; keeps spiraling out of control.   Everything I touch turns to dust.   Moments keep slipping out of my distracted fingers. I can't grasp whatever it is I need to deal this foul mood the death blow it requires.  A quick prayer brings a few moments peace, but there is no time to bask in His presence, and the moment is shortly stolen. The storm inside rages on, spurred forward and onward now by rolling waves of guilt.    Yet I know that peace does exist in the midst of this emotional tidal wave.  It lingers there on the horizon in hopeful wisps.   How do I get there?  I should remember the way.

They are confused. Who is this mommy? We don't know her. We don't like her.

Me neither baby, me neither.  She is an evil twin and we must banish her, 
for she seeks to steal our joy.   

And I want to do that, but I can't today.   And I don't know why.   
Then again.....maybe I don't want to.   Worse, I think I do know why.

I don't want to be the strong one today.  Quite possibly, I don't even have to be.
Would that be so terrible?  To just let the waves come crashing and pull me under......just for today?   Maybe, just maybe, if I stop listening to all the voices in the wind reminding me that these precious moments won't last forever.   Telling me that I need to be more; better, before the time slips away and leaves me with nothing but broken promises and regrets.   I turn my back to that accusing wind, for I can't bare it: their salty stinging words slicing into wounds recently torn.

So I just let it come.   In all it's weary-weight fallen on slumped shoulders which silently shake.
In this moment, I just be......me.
Or rather, that distraught, remorseful and broken version of me.  The one that fails, and falls.

Perfectly imperfect.....an odd and twisted kind of beauty born of ashes.

I know life is best lived while learning to dance in the rain.   But I also know now:  some times, you just have to let the salty taste of tears mingle with the stormy sea-spray.    Some days, the rain just comes down; and blinded, you lose your way.  

And why it is so strange to me, that in the lowest depths, at the weakest point, the skies suddenly clear and open.
You've been here before Les. 
Yes, yes I have.   Forever imperfect, eternally forgiven.

Light floods: in the distance a lifeboat rides the now gently rolling waves.   It may be rocky, but I don't give up.  I cling to the side.   It may not be the lifeline I seek, but I know it is sea-worthy enough to get me where more peaceful tides await.    There is its' name on yonder helm; rising and falling with the waves.   But I can see it clearly now.

It's called Hope.
And yes, it floats.



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