The snow has finally stopped falling.  A crisp, clean white blanket covers the kids summer toys that were forgotten in Autumns' chilly haste.  The moon is barely visible in it's lofty perch; shadowed and grey. A Liars' Moon.  No help finding my way tonight.  I think if you listened to my heart, you could hear the wind howling. Deep inside where this wanting, a longing that threatens to burn, grabs hold and won't be stilled.   A longing to be....something more.

Is this the secret heart wish of every mother?   Something buried away in deep, dark places we don't talk about on social blogs, or parties?  Something hidden even from ourselves, as we bask in the glow of our family's love. Shouldn't that be enough?  Are we not the selfless warriors of home and hearth.   Do we dare seek more than the little blessings we hold close and dear each day.  Maybe.  But yet it lingers.  This longing to be.....whole.

Not just a wife, a mom, but a whole person.  With hopes, and needs; still clutching the now wispy dreams of a little girl wishing on the first star of night.  I wish I may.....I wish I might.  Is the mirror so crack'd that she is all but faded away?  Is that really my reflection staring back at me -- so shadowed and gray.  Or will the tapestry of my life, ever-weaving, be all the more beautiful for the faded and worn patches, stitched by pain, and sorrow and trials......as those stitched by joy and love. 

Such is the way.  With twilight comes the shadows and the dark.  The stillness.  And so it must be with each life.  A season which shivers with a chilly doubt.  It lingers like the morning frost on buried bulbs and grassy blades:  Stifling their growth.  But only for a season.  Until the first shy breath of sun, reaches in and beckons with its warmth.  Coaxing their tiny heads upward to receive it's light .  Hope always springs new.   The moon may by dark, and lead you astray, but the dawn always comes.   What shall come of this new day.  Can I be still enough to see through tonight's winter fog, to the season which waits beyond it's chilly shadows.

It seems there are no answers here tonight.  Just me, and that moon......and that longing, that ever burns.