I don't smoke, do drugs, or even have the rare glass of wine anymore. Still in the 6 week post natal so no sex --- too tired to even think naughty thoughts. I don't lie, steal or covet what my neighbour has. And so far, despite being extremely tired and overwhelmed, I haven't killed anyone yet. Pretty good, eh? What a saintly life. Wait a minute. those overwhelming moments, well.....sometimes I say F$%k. Yep - there it is. My big confession. Sometimes, when the moment strikes, I can curse like a sailor. It doesn't happen as often as it used to. But I hate it when it does. And sometimes I love it - but hate myself. Perhaps it is that Irish/Scottish thing......you get bonus points if you can string a few choice words together in a truly colorful saying. Or perhaps it is leftover from when I worked in a prison....old habits dying hard. Whatever, there is no real excuse. Especially from someone with an Honors English BA.

When the moment has passed, I can't apologize to God enough.....more so than when I did something really bad (that's confessions for another day). I feel like the biggest failure.....especially if it occurs when I thought one of my kids was out of the room. I am sure if someone was around to overhear, they would think I was the biggest failure as a parent. I certainly don't want my children to grow up and use those words. Don't do as I say. I will beat myself up for days. Aren't we as mothers supposed to have a calm and nurturing nature? Isn't that how God designed us......especially how it relates to child care?

My mother just gave me a book about having a calm spirit. Gee, thanks -- nothing like a kick when you are down. Besides, when the.....(whoops, almost let go)....would I have time to read it right now? I have a baby that is not sleeping, day or night, for more than a an hour or 2. Don't mind her being awake, except she just cries if she is not being held. I have not gotten more than 4 hours sleep, total in shifts, a night for 4 weeks now. And I have 2 other children to care for when I am not holding said crying, non-sleeping baby. To say I am tired and overwhelmed is an understatement. Hubby is on nights. Whose "work" is more important? who gets the sleep? Well, he carries a gun for his job, so I guess he wins.

Yes, I know, the bottom-line is that it is not acceptable behaviour. Especially for a Christian mom trying to set a better example than what the world offers for her kids. In tears, I begged Gods' forgiveness. Then I realized, I didn't have to beg. Who knows me better? Who still loves me even as flawed as I am? Does anyone else in my life accept me so readily, so lovingly? I find people can love you.....but no so unconditionally. Even those who might love you the most, still can't seem to help to slip that critical comment in. or book. Would that we could all walk a mile in one another's shoes. Well, I have definitely learned not to judge another parent. Because when I see a "weak" moment.....I don't know how the rest of their day, week, or month has gone. maybe this is the "final straw" moment. the point where they just can't carry on and have nothing left. we all have a breaking point....Christian, or not. we all have a bad habit we just can't seem to shake. Does it make us bad parents? bad Christians? No, I don't think so. It makes us human. We should lift one another up in these moments, not tear one another down. I for one am darn tired of trying to be perfect. Of trying to have it all together, all the time. Sometimes I need a release. I will of course always strive for a better, more God pleasing release. but sometimes, I will still fail. If God can still love and accept me, perhaps you finger-pointers could find it in your hearts to do so also. Otherwise, pick up a stone and take your best aim.