Feeling gloomy today. I don't know if it is this constant overcast sky and being stuck in the house. or if I am just tired. Didn't start watching the movie until after 9pm cuz Angel Girl would not settle. She has started this habit of taking her pjs off - then she can't get them back on. took her diaper off once too and slept naked all night. Pee everywhere the next morning - don't know how she slept like that. Anyway, got to bed very late. (movie was good though - if not a tad depressing - but Leo and Kate are just amazing.)

Feel like I need a huge vacation. a Real vacation. because holidays with kids is no break at all. it is the same thing you do at home, but often harder because they are away from the normal routine and things. there really isn't anytime to relax at all. How crazy am I for having booked a camping trip!! A camping trip for pete's sake with a 4 year old, 2 year and I will be 6 months pregnant sleeping on an air mattress. talk about the over-reach.

I have ZERO time for myself right now - like I mean Zero. I can't do anything without being interrupted or having to attend to someone's need. my daughter is trying to climb into my lap as I type this. even though I have put Mickey Mouse on for her to watch, while I have my tea and update. I have been trying to teach them that when mommy has her tea, it is her quiet time. (and I only allow myself 2 cups a day - so it is not often.) but it just doesn't seem to register. course, then you feel guilty because you are not paying attention to them. but honestly -- I am here 24-7 -- I never go anywhere it seems. (and with only 1 working car, cannot go anywhere often!) how much do I have to give? guess I am feeling the strain today. I am at a loss these days of how to fill up the long hours of the day. Cannot wait for the nice weather to really be here. Nothing like being outdoors I think to lift your spirits.

I know it will help enormously to find something for myself -- which is kind of why I started a blog. but I think I really need something AWAY from this house. but what? and what happens when #3 arrives and I am tied to breast-feeding schedule? with a shift worker spouse, whose shifts are constantly changing.... and who takes the 1 car with him when he works, it is next to impossible to get involved with anything. I would not exactly be the most reliable volunteer under such circumstances. and the frustrating thing is that is one of the reasons I decided to stay at home for a couple of years......so I could be involved in their school, the community, etc. and yet, I never can. I am at home. all. the. time. (hubbie - grocery store and Walmart do NOT count.)
So bottomline.....car is not likely to be fixed, hubbie is not going to quit job, money will always be very tight......#3 is coming regardless. where do you go when you feel you've reached the limits of your reserve? when you are at the bottom?
Well, I guess there is no place to go, but up then. right? (daughter is bloody freaking out right now and hitting me. every toy in the world and she cannot play by herself for more than 5 minutes). Days like this I really question whether I should just go back to work. Before my husband needs to have me committed. I need a massive dose of hope. and some quiet would be nice on the side.
And yet, I know....I could wake up tomorrow....maybe the sun will be up......and I will wonder how in heck I ever felt this way. wonder how I could have forgotten all the blessings we do have. Is it possible to have PRE-partum depresssion?
*slap* snap out-of-it girl!